Listen Like You Mean It | Book Review

Being interested is more important in cultivating a relationship and
maintaining a relationship that being interesting. (p. 19)

Ximena Vengoechea organizes her work in a three part format (Set The Stage, Navigate the Conversation, Rest and Recharge) similar to John Boyd’s OODA (Observe, Orient, Decide, Act) Loop.

Vengoechea and her colleagues are researchers, continuously interviewing volunteer participants in a variety of settings covering numerous topics. If we think about Team Vengoechea as a group of coaches and their participants or conversation partners as subordinates or direct reports, then we may apply the stories and lessons learned as relevant coaching tips and techniques.

This review both validates Team Vengoechea observations and compares selected stories and techniques with relevant Academy Leadership Excellence Course workshops.

Set the Stage | Observe & Orient

When we stop paying attention to our conversation partner and let our own thoughts and opinions run the show, we miss learning what our conversation partner really has to say (p. 5). When we’re doing this, we’re likely formulating our response, or waiting to speak rather than listening.

Vengoechea distinguishes two types of listening. First, when we fall into a passive state of listening, we partake in what is called surface listening (p. 6). This is similar to waiting to speak. One of the most common – and easiest – listening mistakes we can make is surface listening mode: Projecting our own feelings, ideas, or experiences onto others (p. 7).

The second and recommended form of listening, empathic listening, which at its core is about connection (p. 8). As we learn in our Communication and Feedback workshops, our role as a leader is ultimately about making connections via our words and actions.

Staying present is essential for empathic listening to occur (p. 30). Removing distractions such as smart phones and/or selecting a quiet location for 1:1 meetings are two simple ways to start. Another tip: One of the key ingredients to managing your focus in conversation is to ensure you have the energy to take on the work of staying present (p. 39).

Recall our Brief-Back exercise from our Feedback workshop. Rather than attempting to retain every word our partner says, we can aim to understand the gist, or overall idea, to help us stay present (p. 47). Just as a researcher documents their findings, as coaches we may capture summary ideas and thoughts in a coaching journal. Try reserving time immediately following your conversation to briefly jot down your thoughts (p. 49). It’s also a good time to follow up with any commitments made and to schedule the next coaching session.

Navigate the Conversation | Decide & Act

Each of us has a natural way of stepping into conversation, call this our default listening mode (pp. 95-96). Vengoechea shares eleven (pp. 98-101):

• The Explainer
• The Validator
• The Identifier
• The Problem-Solver
• The Nurse
• The Defuser
• The Mediator
• The Empath
• The Interrupter
• The Interviewer
• The Daydreamer

We may think of these modes as distinct coaching techniques, a tool box for a variety of situations. Consider The Nurse, completely focused on another’s health or The Empath, able to feel what another is feeling. Two powerful coaching techniques.

Rather than having an evaluating mindset, keep a curious coaching mindset. Vengoechea suggests connecting questions -- questions, and sometimes statements, neutrally framed to elicit an open response, without suggesting or biasing toward a particular reply (p. 120). Further, we may express appreciation with encouraging phrases such as (p. 127):

• Say more about that
• Tell me what this means to you
• Walk me through…
• Tell me more
• What else?

Chapter 8, Guide the Conversation, is essentially a call for having mutually agreed-upon objectives established prior to a coaching session. Think of Action Plans created at the end of a three-day Leadership Excellence Course. Vengoechea also mentions that if others are stuck (p. 188) on a particular topic, it’s ok. Recall that dosed objectives are preferred to bombarded objectives in our Coaching workshop.

Not everyone wishes to be coached. In the lab, we may end a session if our participant isn’t a good fit, or if we have all the information we need from them (p. 214). Likewise, an enduring coaching relationship requires chemistry. Vengoechea recommends keeping the line open to energizers, in contrast to takers, who demand more from us than they are willing to return (p. 231). 

Summary | Rest and Recharge

Our effectiveness as leaders and coaches is directly tied to our energy levels. Vengoechea finds the same with listening:                   

Empathic listening is a dynamic and active process, calling for
strong self-awareness about what is happening to us
physically, emotionally, and mentally in real time (p. 270).

Vengoechea thinks the key is not to have anything planned right after so that you’re not in a rush, and you can continually process it after with yourself, and not feel like you’re running out of the situation (p. 277).